Pornography Addiction: A Woman's Story

Let's be real. Pornography use is really hard to talk about, especially when you're the one sharing your story. And more especially if you are a girl. As more and more women are sharing their stories about their struggles with pornography, I feel it's time to share mine. This post has been a long time coming, and I haven't wanted to share my story for fear of what people might think and how their perceptions of me might change. But I feel it's an important step that needs to be taken in order to help others realize they are not alone. The truth is, pornography addiction affects both men AND women.

My story doesn't start with an actual pornography issue. When I was 12 years old I discovered masturbation. (Yes, that word makes me cringe too). At the time, I didn't realize that it was a behavior that went against the teachings of my church. As I came to learn that this was a bad habit I shouldn't be engaging in, I began to feel a lot of guilt and shame. I felt like an awful person. But like anyone who struggles with compulsive behaviors, I couldn't stop. As I grew up I  thought there was something wrong with me. Why did I struggle with this awful habit? The shame I felt affected my self-esteem.

As I grew older I tried to get up the courage to talk to my mom. I was 15 when I finally decided to tell her. I don't think I expected her to be so loving and understanding. As I found the courage to talk to my mom, a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders. She still loved me! (Of course.) She encouraged me to talk to an ecclesiastical leader, which I did, but I was terrified. I will admit, the conversation I had with my ecclesiastical leader was awkward. At this point in time, I don't think many people knew how to help youth with this issue.

After I talked to my ecclesiastical leader about my problem, I felt relieved. I thought I was healed. Unfortunately, the behavior didn't stop. When I was in college I discovered magazines like Cosmopolitan. I would justify reading these articles because it wasn't "real" pornography. I wasn't looking at images. They were just stories. Afters years of struggling, I served an LDS mission when I was 21. For the first time in almost 10 years I didn't struggle with these behaviors. After 18 months, I again believed I was healed. But as soon as I returned to college,  the stress and anxiety I had experienced before my mission returned, and I found myself in the same cycle I had been in as a teenager. The compulsive behaviors progressed, and I found myself looking at pornographic images and videos in order to escape from the stresses of life.

The shame continued, and I began counseling with religious leaders again. It always seemed to carry on in the same cycle. Behavior, shame, visits with religious leaders where we read scriptures, prayed, they told me I'd be fine, (I even had one leader express to me that the behavior would stop once I was married, proof that many leaders at that time didn't understand the nature of compulsive behavior and addiction) and then after a while the behavior presented itself again and I wondered why this continued. Was I not righteous enough? I must not have been praying fervently enough or studying my scriptures the right way. As I began to learn about the cycle of addiction and that my behavior stemmed from my need to cover up negative emotions I was experiencing, I also learned about my triggers and then began to learn other coping mechanisms.

I learned that my triggers aren't sexual in nature at all. Like many other people, they stem from feeling lonely, stress, anxiety, etc. That helped me become more aware of times when I would be vulnerable. Disclosing my problem to the rest of my family has really helped me as well. My family has been super awesome in loving and supporting me through my addiction. I have been really blessed in this aspect. I wish everyone had a support system as awesome and understanding as my family has been. I've learned positive ways to deal with my stress through exercise, meditation, playing music (I play both the piano and violin.) I've  also learned to share negative emotions with a trusted friend or family member as the emotions manifest themselves, instead of ignoring them until they overwhelm me. As I have accepted my addiction for what it is and learned to separate my self-worth from my addiction, I have learned to appreciate who I am and have gained a greater love and understanding for myself. I no longer define myself by my addiction.

About 2 months ago, I found the courage to disclose to my roommates what I was struggling with. They were so loving and supportive. I was able to talk to my then boyfriend about my problem. He was also very kind, understanding, and supportive. Thanks to these people, I have found the courage to share my story with everyone else. My advice to anyone who is struggling with this problem is to REACH OUT. Tell someone about it. Addiction thrives in secrecy. If you have told someone and you are still struggling, keep going! Keep reaching out. Educate yourself on the cycle and nature of addiction.  (Check out salifeline.org for a good resource!) There is hope. We are so lucky in this day and age to have so many resources available to us. I am currently in the process of seeking a good therapist (suggestions welcome) and attending the 12 step program offered through the LDS church. (Click this link to find a 12-step program near you!)

While addiction is ugly, there are also many beautiful things that have come out of my struggle. I have come to separate my behavior from my self-worth. It was SO HARD feeling so much shame all the time as a teenager. That separated me from feeling the love my Heavenly Father has for me. As I counseled with my church leaders and received priesthood blessings, I came to understand and KNOW that God loves ME. I have often pondered on the blessings priesthood leaders have given me and am amazed at how merciful our Father in Heaven is. Often times I think, "Hold on. God feels THAT way about ME?! Right NOW? Despite my poor decisions?" I now understand that He loved me before this life, and He will ALWAYS love me, despite my weaknesses and imperfections. God sees weaknesses differently than He sees sin. He knows my heart. He sees my desire to change. I am His daughter and I am a human. We all make mistakes, and as long as we seek help in learning from our mistakes and overcoming them, then we will triumph. God is very merciful and loves us so much. The Atonement is real and allows us to change unwanted behaviors.

As we find the courage to share our individual stories, we will be in a better position to reach out and help others because of the experiences we have had. What a beautiful thing it is to be vulnerable and share our trials with others so we may support one another. I invite you to continue with me in my journey as I continue to heal. I will make monthly updates on my blog for anyone who wishes to follow along!