this past week

This past week Blake and Vickie stayed with us because Brett and Kad got married this past Saturday! Blake and Vickie are the most loving and caring in laws EVER. They said they are going to pay for baby's crib and are giving me $$ for maternity clothes! They are so sweet! Uncle Kurt, Lisa, and Brooke came too. I was so happy to meet them. Vickie's family came as well and everyone is so nice. They are the best people. It was Kurt's first time to Utah (he is 62) and he kept saying how much he loved it. We could tell he was feeling the spirit. Nick got a BOM and wrote his testimony in it and sent it today.

Saturday was a special day. We could all feel Nancy at the wedding. As I was walking up the stairs with Nick to go to the sealing room I felt her strongly. We got the sealing room and Blake was already there. He told Nick he felt her strongly and I agreed. I sat in the chair where she would have sat had she been alive. The sealing was beautiful. Kad's grandpa sealed them. After the ceremony nick and I were the first ones out and Nick said it hit him how much his mom had guided he and Brett throughout their lives. They both married into families where grandpa was able to seal them. It truly is a miracle that Blake found the church (he comes from a long line of alcoholics who died in their 50's or earlier) and that both boys served missions and got married in the temple. Nick also commented that he felt his grandpa Ben during the sealing as well. His grandpa Ben left when his dad was young and never came back. Nick was able to do his temple work a few years ago and told me that during the sealing he could feel that Ben was very happy.

The reception was beautiful! Aislynn (Kad's mom) had a close friend pass away on Thursday so another friend of hers came to talk to nick and I after Nick gave a speech and talked about his mom guiding he and Brett. She thanked Nick for talking about her and then talked about her friend. She said that there were 4 empty chairs on the same side that Nick was sitting on and that she was sure their friend and Nancy were taking them. I feel like my view of eternity was broadened and my testimony of Jesus Christ was strengthened.

I'm 12 weeks pregnant this week! I still feel the same, lactose makes me feel gross (so much bloating). I can't believe it's been 2 months since I found out I was pregnant. We have our 12 week appt tomorrow and we are so excited to see how the baby has grown. Hopefully we'll get the blood test done for OI tomorrow and find out the gender within the next couple of weeks! Can't believe that baby thompson will be here in 6 months!

Nick and I both got hit with really bad colds this past monday, the day that Blake and Vickie arrived. We were feeling so bad on Tuesday that we had to miss going with Kad through the temple. I was so sad! Being prego means I can't take medicine, so I still have some congestion and my chest is so wheezy! The only thing worse than having a bad cold is having a bad cold while pregnant and not being able to take medicine :(

Pregnancy Week 11

I can't believe I am 11 weeks pregnant! I met with the high risk doctor at 9 weeks and got a cool ultrasound! I saw baby moving around and everything. I am waiting to meet with my new OB on Friday, when we'll have our 12 week ultrasound. I am going to be tested using the Vistara test to see if baby has OI. I hope not. If so I am sure the doctors will want to do a C section. I DO NOT want to have a c section! All the research I have read says that the risk is the same for both normal delivery and c section. Ugh. I just feel frustrated and wish I actually knew if I had it. But that will cost us thousands of dollars so we are just going to have baby tested since it's only $250.

We went to Will and McCall's BYUI graduation last week, it was great to be with the whole fam! As we sat at the graduation I got a little teary. I reminisced to my BYUI days and what a happy time that was for me. All I have are fond memories. I love Idaho. Since Will and McCall graduated and sam is leaving on his mission I won't be in Idaho for a long time! On Monday night we drove out to aunt Natalie's to spend the night. THE DRIVE WAS BEAUTIFUL. My soul felt free and I felt so happy. I love ID in the summer. So many green fields and the air is so fresh.

Nick and I babysat Bobbie on Saturday and I'm pretty sure she gave us the worst cold!! Nick and I are so sick. I'm so annoyed. Kadison is going through the temple tonight and we weren't able to go because of these stupid colds. Now that I am on week 11 of pregnancy some days are bad and some are good as far as nausea goes. After we got back from ID I was sick for a few days. I have been better this week and today I haven't felt nauseous at all. I always get my hopes up this means the nausea is subsiding but then it always comes back a different day.

On Saturday morning Suzanne and I went paddle boarding. It was amazing! I told Nick I want a paddle board for Christmas.

Pregnancy:Week 9

The medication I am taking for nausea isnt working as well as it was last week...idk if that's because my nausea is getting worse or Nick is right that my body is getting used to it. It makes me have wierd dreams! Nick told me (and I vaguely remember) rolling over really quickly last night and whining like I was scared. He asked me if I was ok and I said "Yeah a little boy is trying to throw bread at me". WHAT?! Honestly so wierd.

I feel more tired this week too. In the mornings it's hard to get out of bed because I've been having restless sleep lately and the medicine I take makes me really tired. This morning our alarms went off at 7 and Nick got up all chipper and I couldn't even open my eyes. We are going to ID this weekend to help Will and McCall pack since they graduate next monday and move to TX next week!

                                                               Henry at 9 weeks!

Pregnancy: Week 8

Today I am about 8.5 weeks pregnant! We had our second appt yesterday and heard baby's heartbeat. It was so cool! Luckily it was a normal ultrasound this time, so I felt like a real mom with the gel on her tummy :) Last week I was in Texas visiting my family and for the most part I felt pretty good. Until Saturday. I stayed an extra day in TX because when I got to the airport on Friday night I discovered that the Denver to SLC leg of my flight had been cancelled! But it turned out great. Saturday I woke up and I was SO SICK all day. I could not keep anything down. It didn't help that I was traveling almost all day and traveling makes me sick. It was miserable. I was happy to be home though. This week I haven't thrown up once. I've been taking Vitamin b6 and unisom, and then yesterday I got a sample of some nausea medication from the doctor and I've only felt a little sick today. And tired. I haven't been too crazy tired through the last two months, but today I feel exhausted. I was just so happy to see little baby Thompson yesterday and hear the heartbeat. My anxiety was getting the better of me before the appt and I was sure the baby wouldn't have a heartbeat. Anxiety is so silly. The baby now looks like a little gummy bear, where 2 weeks ago he looked like a little white smudge! They grow so fast! I was told I can get a blood test done to check if I have OI but the guy in charge of the genetic tests called me back today and said that the test he is sending me doesn't test for OI. So we can only have the baby tested. Which is fine. If I have it, I have it. It will be good to know if baby has it too. I hope not, but there is a 50/50 chance! (at least from everything I have read). I was told we can have the test done for the baby as soon as I get the test in the mail, so hopefully I can go in and have it done tomorrow!

                                                                Henry at 8 weeks!

We are expecting!

our little blob at 6 weeks!

Nick and I have been trying to get pregnant since we got married. I started off on birth control but a few days after we got married we were at the temple and both felt the impression we needed to start trying. Month after month passed and with each negative pregnancy test all I could think was how much closer we were coming to a year of trying. Which is when they start to suspect something could be wrong. I was coming to accept the fact that maybe this baby thing wouldn't work out as soon as we'd hoped. My anxiety told me to accept the fact it would probably take 5 years. By then Nick would be old and then we would be old parents and grandparents. Practically ancient. I was getting frustrated. Maybe it's Nicks fault. Maybe he can't get me pregnant. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I have PCOS or endometriosis and don't even know! They'll probably never find out what's wrong with us and we'll never have kids. We'll be one of THOSE cases.

Wow. Anxiety is dumb. All those silly worries when all it takes sometimes is a little patience, prayer, and faith. Part of me feels guilty writing that because for some people it's not as simple as that. Some women do indeed have endometriosis and end up having to do in vitro. Some women yearn for a baby and that dream is never realized. As we went month after month with negative pregnancy tests I gained empathy for those women who want a baby but don't have one of their own. Mothers day came and for me, Aunt Flo decided to show the same day. Nick and I left church early. We were both so disappointed. My brother and sister in law and their sweet baby were visiting that weekend and were still at the house when we got home. I was glad they didn't ask why we came home early. Maybe I just said something about not feeling well. Mothers day was painful for me, mostly because my sister in law was visiting and she knew we were trying to get pregnant. I told myself that she felt sorry for me. What an awkward day for her to be visiting me. Why do I have to be the girl that is childless on mothers day. I didn't want to be that girl that tells myself "well, all women are mothers." Sure. I'm a mother to my niece. To my dog. To my husband sometimes. But let's be real. I wanted to be a MOTHER. The kind that bears a child from her womb and sees the color of her eyes in his and her curls on his head.

Anyway, a few weeks past and I went to girls camp as the assistant camp director. While there I had a really good conversation with one of the young women leaders who has 3 kids ages 9,6, and 1. She got there the day after camp started. We ended up in the cabin together talking and I felt prompted to ask her why there was such a big gap between her 6 and 1 year old. But I didn't because I felt it was too personal. We started talking about her kids and then she asked me if Nick and I were ready to have some of our own. I told her we had been trying since we got married. She asked if I'd ever had any miscarriages, to which I replied no, just haven't been able to get pregnant. She then told me that she had two miscarriages between her 6 and 1 year old. While I couldn't relate to her miscarriages I could relate to her wanting a child but having to wait. It was a sweet moment. Right after that we went to a fireside. A girl name Amberly Snyder spoke. She is a rodeo queen and is paralyzed from the waist down. She shared her story with us. When she was 18 she was on top of the world. She was voted president of one of the rodeo clubs she was in. She was one of the best. One day she was driving her truck and stopped to get gas. She didn't put her seat belt back on after because she was 10 minutes from her destination. As she was driving the last 10 minutes to her destination she looked down at her GPS. She looked up and was headed straight for a fence pole. She over corrected and rolled her truck. Because she wasn't wearing her seat belt she was ejected and thrown into a fence pole. Sine she was going 75 mph her body wrapped around the fence pole and drug it pretty far. When she finally stopped she was conscious. She looked over at her truck. She decided to do a body check. Her hands and arms were working. Her head was fine. But she couldn't feel or move her legs. Being thrown from the truck and hitting the fence post had broken her back. She was paralyzed from the waist down.

Her purpose in telling us this was to emphasize that God is with us in our trials. At the end of her story she stopped and said she felt prompted to get something out of the back of her car. She explained that usually this thing isn't in the back but it just so happened to be because she was moving. Her friend brought her a statue of Christ holding a girl. She said it had to do with the poem "footprints", which talks about the man who in his hardest times saw only one set of footprints. He asked God why and God told him that during those moments he was carrying him. Amberly explained that her mom gave her this statue after her accident. She testified to all of us that God knows us intimately and is with us through our trials. I started to cry. I felt that God was speaking to me. I knew that Amberly felt prompted to share that story because I needed to hear it.

The weekend after camp Nick and I went to our cousin Benny's sealing. Sitting in the celestial room with Nick was really sacred. I felt a lot of hope about our future family. I knew we would be parents some day. I felt a lot of love for Nick. I felt that our family was there. It was very comforting.

2 days later on June 11, my period was due. I woke up in the morning and it hadn't come yet. I decided to test because what the heck, I may as well, even though it will probably be negative again. I used one of the digital test that says 'pregnant' or 'not pregnant'. As I waited for the little hourglass to disappear I left the room. I came back and it said 'PREGNANT'. I was in shock. I looked at it again just to make sure I hadn't missed the 'not' at the beginning. Nope. For sure it said pregnant. No way I thought. This test is probably broken. But what are the chances of that?! Nick was in the front room playing with our dog Cooper so I nervously called him in and said I had to show him something. I showed him and he was so happy. I just kept saying "What if it's wrong?" Nick wouldn't believe that it was wrong. I called my mom. I told her I wasn't sure and told her I would test again the next morning since I couldn't pee anymore. I got off the phone and decided I was going to make my body pee again because I didn't want to wait till the next day to get another positive test. I did it with one fo the dollar store tests this time that has one line for not pregnant and two lines for pregnant. What do you know?! 2 LINES! This time I believed it and rejoiced. Nick was just like "Of course it's positive". I texted my mom. She promised not to tell anyone until Nick and I felt comfortable telling everyone. The following sunday was father's day so I decided that during our family skype we would tell everyone. I couldn't wait though so the same night we called Will and McCall. They were ecstatic! Bobbie is going to have a cousin! I told Missy the next day. The only ones that didn't know were Katie, dad, allison, and sam.

For father's day I wrote Nick a father's day card from our baby. I read it over our family skype and katie started crying. Everyone else was so happy. We told Nick's dad earlier that day in a phone call and he started crying. He was so happy and said it was such a wonderful father's day gift.

Yesterday I was watching an LDS produced movie about a teenage girl who gets a degenerative disease and evenutally dies. At the beginning of the movie it talks about her grandma who died when this girls mom was 15. They talked about how this girl was very sensitive and had an experience where she saw her grandma once. All of a sudden I thought about Nick's mom, Nancy, and felt that she has so much love for this little babe in my stomach. I also felt that this baby is a valiant spirit and felt the Lord tell me that He needs the baby here at this time. It calmed my nerves for a bit.

Today we had our first ultrasound! We are about 6.5 weeks along. I have been feeling quite a bit of nausea and TONS of heartburn. It's the worst. Food aversions have come on strong and certain smells make me want to puke. I can't even stand the smell of Nick anymore. So sad :( I can't be around Cooper either because his dog smell is wayyyy too much for me. I'm craving cereal and milk all the time. On monday night I was craving sweet and sour pork so after we went to the zoo on monday we got chinese. But as soon as I started eating it I wanted to throw up. Thank you pregnancy. I can literally only eat toast, apples, and cereal and milk. I also ate a subway sandwich today which was a win. I usually throw up whatever I eat in the mornings but can keep down what I eat later.

Anyway, at our first ultrasound I was soooo nervous. What if there was no baby? No heartbeat? Ectopic pregnancy? I have already told so many people and I don't want to untell them! Well lo and behold. The doctor got the probe in there and his first words were "well you're definitely pregnant". Then we saw the little heart pattering away! That was sooooo cool!!! The doc said it was a good strong heartbeat. I felt so much relief and joy. The baby looked like a little white blob on the ultrasound. So cute! I have been on cloud 9 the rest of the day. We get to go back in 2 weeks for another ultrasound. Can't wait! By then it should look more baby like.

Sharing my story: What I learned

As scary as it was to share my deepest, darkest secrets with the world I learned some pretty beautiful things.

First of all, I learned pornography addiction (or compulsion) is not an uncommon thing. Many people have reached out to me expressing their ability to relate to me as they have gone through similar things. As I heard each person's stories, one phrase has continued running through my mind: BE KIND. To those of you reading this post, please be sensitive to how you address the issue of pornography addiction. I have heard various stories of young men in a public setting who, being perfectly worthy, capable, human beings with the potential to be great husbands and fathers, start to question themselves as they hear the girl next to them express disgust and state they would never date someone who has had a past pornography problem. What she doesn't know is that most likely there isn't a person in this world who hasn't been exposed to or had a problem at some point or another with pornography. (Notice I say "exposed" because I realize not EVERYONE in the world has had issues with pornography addiction. but we've all been exposed.) We've all been tainted because we live in a pornographic world. Please educate yourselves on the nature of pornography addiction and be educated enough to make an informed decision when it comes to those you will and won't date. Those of us who suffer with addiction are already hurting enough without having someone else judge us as not worthy of being wonderful boyfriends, girlfriends, and spouses.

Second, I learned people WANT to talk about this stuff! My sister Malissa is part of Reach 10, a non-profit started by young adults who want to end the taboo culture of talking about pornography addiction. Their goal is to encourage people to reach out! As she shared my story in her last meeting her friend Rachel asked if she could get my information. Rachel contacted me and asked me to be in a documentary she is filming about the LDS culture and pornography addiction. (Stay tuned-it will be posted to social media once it's done!) I was more than happy to go and share my story. Can talking about these things sometimes be awkward? Absolutely! But is it necessary? YES! I'm so glad I found the courage to reach out and share my story so that hopefully others will have the courage to share theirs too.

To those reading this blog post, I encourage you to find ways of sharing your stories. We ALL got issues. The important thing is to lift others by sharing them. (Even though it can be awkward, embarrassing, and scary.) It's worth it. And people will be more loving and supporting than you think :)

Pornography Addiction: A Woman's Story

Let's be real. Pornography use is really hard to talk about, especially when you're the one sharing your story. And more especially if you are a girl. As more and more women are sharing their stories about their struggles with pornography, I feel it's time to share mine. This post has been a long time coming, and I haven't wanted to share my story for fear of what people might think and how their perceptions of me might change. But I feel it's an important step that needs to be taken in order to help others realize they are not alone. The truth is, pornography addiction affects both men AND women.

My story doesn't start with an actual pornography issue. When I was 12 years old I discovered masturbation. (Yes, that word makes me cringe too). At the time, I didn't realize that it was a behavior that went against the teachings of my church. As I came to learn that this was a bad habit I shouldn't be engaging in, I began to feel a lot of guilt and shame. I felt like an awful person. But like anyone who struggles with compulsive behaviors, I couldn't stop. As I grew up I  thought there was something wrong with me. Why did I struggle with this awful habit? The shame I felt affected my self-esteem.

As I grew older I tried to get up the courage to talk to my mom. I was 15 when I finally decided to tell her. I don't think I expected her to be so loving and understanding. As I found the courage to talk to my mom, a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders. She still loved me! (Of course.) She encouraged me to talk to an ecclesiastical leader, which I did, but I was terrified. I will admit, the conversation I had with my ecclesiastical leader was awkward. At this point in time, I don't think many people knew how to help youth with this issue.

After I talked to my ecclesiastical leader about my problem, I felt relieved. I thought I was healed. Unfortunately, the behavior didn't stop. When I was in college I discovered magazines like Cosmopolitan. I would justify reading these articles because it wasn't "real" pornography. I wasn't looking at images. They were just stories. Afters years of struggling, I served an LDS mission when I was 21. For the first time in almost 10 years I didn't struggle with these behaviors. After 18 months, I again believed I was healed. But as soon as I returned to college,  the stress and anxiety I had experienced before my mission returned, and I found myself in the same cycle I had been in as a teenager. The compulsive behaviors progressed, and I found myself looking at pornographic images and videos in order to escape from the stresses of life.

The shame continued, and I began counseling with religious leaders again. It always seemed to carry on in the same cycle. Behavior, shame, visits with religious leaders where we read scriptures, prayed, they told me I'd be fine, (I even had one leader express to me that the behavior would stop once I was married, proof that many leaders at that time didn't understand the nature of compulsive behavior and addiction) and then after a while the behavior presented itself again and I wondered why this continued. Was I not righteous enough? I must not have been praying fervently enough or studying my scriptures the right way. As I began to learn about the cycle of addiction and that my behavior stemmed from my need to cover up negative emotions I was experiencing, I also learned about my triggers and then began to learn other coping mechanisms.

I learned that my triggers aren't sexual in nature at all. Like many other people, they stem from feeling lonely, stress, anxiety, etc. That helped me become more aware of times when I would be vulnerable. Disclosing my problem to the rest of my family has really helped me as well. My family has been super awesome in loving and supporting me through my addiction. I have been really blessed in this aspect. I wish everyone had a support system as awesome and understanding as my family has been. I've learned positive ways to deal with my stress through exercise, meditation, playing music (I play both the piano and violin.) I've  also learned to share negative emotions with a trusted friend or family member as the emotions manifest themselves, instead of ignoring them until they overwhelm me. As I have accepted my addiction for what it is and learned to separate my self-worth from my addiction, I have learned to appreciate who I am and have gained a greater love and understanding for myself. I no longer define myself by my addiction.

About 2 months ago, I found the courage to disclose to my roommates what I was struggling with. They were so loving and supportive. I was able to talk to my then boyfriend about my problem. He was also very kind, understanding, and supportive. Thanks to these people, I have found the courage to share my story with everyone else. My advice to anyone who is struggling with this problem is to REACH OUT. Tell someone about it. Addiction thrives in secrecy. If you have told someone and you are still struggling, keep going! Keep reaching out. Educate yourself on the cycle and nature of addiction.  (Check out salifeline.org for a good resource!) There is hope. We are so lucky in this day and age to have so many resources available to us. I am currently in the process of seeking a good therapist (suggestions welcome) and attending the 12 step program offered through the LDS church. (Click this link to find a 12-step program near you!)

While addiction is ugly, there are also many beautiful things that have come out of my struggle. I have come to separate my behavior from my self-worth. It was SO HARD feeling so much shame all the time as a teenager. That separated me from feeling the love my Heavenly Father has for me. As I counseled with my church leaders and received priesthood blessings, I came to understand and KNOW that God loves ME. I have often pondered on the blessings priesthood leaders have given me and am amazed at how merciful our Father in Heaven is. Often times I think, "Hold on. God feels THAT way about ME?! Right NOW? Despite my poor decisions?" I now understand that He loved me before this life, and He will ALWAYS love me, despite my weaknesses and imperfections. God sees weaknesses differently than He sees sin. He knows my heart. He sees my desire to change. I am His daughter and I am a human. We all make mistakes, and as long as we seek help in learning from our mistakes and overcoming them, then we will triumph. God is very merciful and loves us so much. The Atonement is real and allows us to change unwanted behaviors.

As we find the courage to share our individual stories, we will be in a better position to reach out and help others because of the experiences we have had. What a beautiful thing it is to be vulnerable and share our trials with others so we may support one another. I invite you to continue with me in my journey as I continue to heal. I will make monthly updates on my blog for anyone who wishes to follow along!