Evelyn Nancy Thompson

It has been a week since our sweet Evelyn joined our family! She was born 2/13/19 at 1:06 pm. I planned to be induced with her on the 13 since mine and Nick's parents were coming into town. The few weeks leading up to her birth I was already dialated to a 3 and then a 4 a week before her birth, so my anxiety was eased that being induced might mean a long, hard labor for me if my body wasn't ready. We went in to the hospital on the 9 (saturday), because I thought I was leaking fluid. They checked me and hooked me up to the monitors and everything was fine, I wasn't leaking. It was nice to go because we found where to park and were able to visit L&D before I was actually induced. The morning of the 13 we woke up at 5AM since we needed to be in L&D at 6AM. We left a little late and ended up getting there about 6:20. We had to wait a little bit and were finally put in our room around 6:35. Our nurse was Mandy and she was really great. She hooked me up to the contraction and baby heart rate monitor, and started me on pitocin around 7:15AM. Pretty quickly I started to feel contractions, and I started dilate. When she checked me right when I first got there I was about a 4.5 and 90% effaced. After I was hooked up to pitocin things started to go really quickly! Dr. Laraway came and broke my water around 8:45AM, and at right after I asked for the epidural. The contractions were getting pretty intense so luckily the anethesiologist came right away! He had me sit on the edge of the bed and bend over as much as I could. At that point the contractions were SUPER painful. Nick was so awesome as I was getting the epidural done. He put his head down close to mine and told me how great I was doing. When the anethesiologist placed the first time he asked me if I had any ringing in my ears or if my heart started to race. Both happened. He and the nurse both said that had only happened about 4 times the whole time they had worked there. He placed a second time and it worked! (I was so nervous that it wasn't going to and I would have to labor without an epidural). The epidural kicked in and I didn't feel a thing. It was nice, but I didn't necessarily enjoy that half my body was numb. It was wierd. Things kept progressing after that, I was dilating about a centimeter an hour. At 10:19 I was dilated to a 6.5. Kate, our birth photographer, got there around 10:30 so we just hung out and chatted with her for a while. By 11:45 I was dilated to a 9! By 12:30 I was fully dilated and pushing! I was in shock that I had progressed so quickly. Pushing was probably the hardest part. I did 3 sets of 10, and by the time I had done the third set I thought I was going to puke. It was so hard to push while under anesthesia! They told me how but I really couldn't feel how hard I was pushing. It was SO HARD. Near the end they had me doing a 4th set and I was SO tired. It was encouraging near the end when I could tell the nurse and Nick were getting excited and telling me to keep going. At one point Nick told me that he could see her hair and it was brown like mine :) Finally after 45 minutes Evelyn was born! I remember how emotional I felt and how hard I was crying. The doctor pulled her out and she had the chubbiest cheeks! I remember thinking that she looked like a pretty chubby baby. They put her on my chest but she was pretty limp so they had Nick cut the cord quickly and then they took her over to the other side of the room to get her crying. As soon as Nick cut the cord she was crying. They had the NICU team in there because I have OI and they wanted to make sure she was okay. She was perfect! She weighed 8 lbs 8 oz (The originally said 9 oz but I guess they were wrong) and 18.5 inches. It was an amazing feeling to finally have her out of my body. I guess I tore quite a bit so the doc was stitching me up for about an hour while I held her. Having a baby is no walk in the park, that's for sure! I am so grateful though that my labor was so quick and that everything (minus the tearing) went smoothly. They transferred me to the mother and baby room a while after her birth and it was nice just to have it be Nick, Evie, and I. It was a little piece of heaven. I told Nick to go home the first night to sleep in our bed and get some rest. I loved the one on one skin to skin time I got with Evie. She is such a sweet little girl. I love how she calms down when I hold her. Breastfeeding has proven to be difficult, it's super painful and my nipples are cracked and bleeding and scabby. The first couple days I don't think we were feeding her enough because she didn't poop or pee for 48 hours on Friday and Saturday. She had her first well child check on Sunday and her bilirubin levels were pretty high, so we had to have her on jaundice lights on Sunday night. It was awful. We couldn't swaddle her so none of us got very much sleep. We took her back Monday to get tested again and they were still a little high but had decreased significantly, so they told us to keep her on the lights for about 12 more hours and then come back to get restested on Thursday. We opted out of doing the lights because it was so hard. She has been peeing and pooping like crazy though so we aren't worried.

We decided to find Cooper a new family because the last few days have been really hard with him wanting and needing attention and we are so focused on Evie that we couldn't give him the attention he needed. Nick told me to ask Jenny, the lady who watched him over Christmas, if they would be interested in taking him. She was thrilled! She said they were thinking of getting their own dog and  her family talks about him daily. They keep saying they need to find a "cooper". It couldn't have worked out more perfectly! The thing that was hardest for me is that Nick was SO sad. He called his dad after we talked to Jenny and when he came back to the living room I could tell his eyes were really red. That night we were in our room and I just held him and he sobbed. I've never seen him so sad. After Jenny came and got him yesterday we had a good cry together. Nick is doing okay now that he knows that Cooper is much happier with Jenny's family. She has an 11 year old son that attached to Cooper alot I guess when they watched him over christmas. He will be Cooper's best friend and Nick knows that.

Week 37

Pregnancy is getting more and more uncomfortable but Evie is healthy and growing alot! It's hard to breath sometimes because she is pressing on my lungs and when I don't drink enough water my heart starts to race and I feel out of breath. At my last appt the doctor said she weighs over 6 lbs. I was able to set a day to get induced- Feb 13! Mom, dad, Blake, and Vickie are all flying in the 12. Dad, Blake, and Vickie are leaving the 17 and mom will stay until the 22. I can't believe we will have a baby in 2.5 weeks!

Yesterday Nick and I went to breakfast at cracker barrel and it was really nice to have some quality time before the baby comes.

Week 33!

I can't believe little Evie will be here in 6-7 weeks! Time is honestly flying. Nick and I spent the last two weeks in Texas with our families. It was so fun! All my siblings were together for the first time. Little Bobbie is so cute! She makes the funniest facial expressions and has such an attitude. All the siblings pitched in to get dad a Traeger for Christmas and he was so surprised! It was a great Christmas.

Being 33 weeks pregnant now I feel so huge and uncomfortable. Evie moves around so much and I can often feel what I think are little hands and feet portruding out of my stomach. I feel like I waddle every where now. We can't wait until she is here in our arms!

Week 30!!

I am 30 weeks this week! I can't believe we are going to have a little one in our arms in 2 months. This pregnancy has seriously flown. We went to Texas for Thanksgiving and I finally realized I don't need my nausea pills anymore. I ran out so I wasn't taking them as often and I was fine. I've been fine and feel completely normal ever since! Little Evie is growing so much and I feel her moving all the time. She loves to roll around and she loves hanging out in my sides. My back has really been hurting the last couple weeks and I'm pretty sure I tore a muscle to the left of my sternum. It's been sore for the last few months but a few nights ago I rolled over in my sleep and felt a really sharp pain. Ever since then it's been really achy. I'm also getting more fatigued. I told Nick that I am going to be in shape for my next pregnancy because having an achy body is no fun :( I am so excited to meet this little girl!

Week 25

Last week we got my results back for the OI test. They came back positive! They found a change in one of the genes they were testing. This means that each of our children has a 50% chance of having it too.  It will be interesting to see which ones get it. I'm hoping the doctor will let me do a natural birth, as opposed to a c section. I really don't want a c section.

I'm getting bigger by the week! By now there is no mistaking I look pregnant. This weekend is my baby shower at grandma hall's house. Vickie, Blake, and my mom are all flying in. It will be a fun weekend!

22 weeks

This past monday we had our 22 week anatomy ultrasound, where they checked all of Evelyn's organs to make sure they look good and they are developing normally. The sonographer spent about 1/3 of the time on her heart, and said it looks perfect. Everything else looks perfect too! The only thing he noticed is that she has a SUA (single umbilical artery), which means her umbilical cord only has a vein and an artery, as opposed to 2 arteries and a vein (or 2 veins and an artery, I can't remember which it's supposed to be). He said that when they see this usually it's accompanied by heart problems or other problems. He went over her heart two more times and said it looks absolutely perfect, so he is not worried. At first Nick and I were a little nervous, but the more research I did the more I found that it's not a big deal and most babies are born perfectly healthy, just a little on the smaller side. Some mom's are induced a little early as well, as some babies growth slows down at the end of the third trimester. I am hoping that between her SUA and my (maybe) bone condition I will be induced early and not have to go all the way to 40 weeks. This week we see the doc on wednesday the 24 and he will tell us what he thinks about the SUA.

This past week was the first week people started commenting on my baby bump! It's fun to finally look pregnant. Evie moves around soooo much. She loves to move around when I lay down to sleep at night, and often anytime I am sitting I can feel her poking around. Feeling her so active eases my mind that the SUA should be concerning.

The test for my OI ended up costing only $250! Seriously such a miracle. I went and got my blood drawn on Friday, so we should know in the next few weeks if I have it or not. Lauren (the genetic counselor) said that there is a 90% accuracy rate with this test. I can either get a positive, negative, or I'll get a result that basically says that they couldn't tell either way (I hope it comes back positive or negative).

Week 20!

Last week I hit 20 weeks pregnant. We are officially half way through this pregnancy! Little Evie is growing so much and she loves to move around. I feel her all the time. Nick can feel her now too! The next 20 weeks seem like an eternity and I can't wait till I am holding her in my arms.

I had an appt with another high risk doctor since our insurance changed. When I got there I told the nurse I didn't need an ultrasound and I just needed to talk to the doctor about getting a pre authorization for genetic testing. The doctor (a woman) was SO awesome! She came right in and told me what she thought the mix up was and that she new I needed to talk to her genetic counselor. That's exactly what I needed! I had to wait a little bit to see the counselor but when I finally met with her she had all my notes from when I met with the genetic counselor at the U in 2011 after I broke my ankle. She was so efficient and kind! The best part is that she thinks the test will only be $250, instead of $10,000 like I was told when I called the U, and I can get it done right there with her at UVSH in Provo. Okay seriously PLEASE let it only cost $250. Fingers crossed. I just want to know if I have this dang disease or not!

Conference weekend was this past weekend (I'm now 21 weeks prego :)) and it was so awesome! Church structure has been reorganized to 2 hours of church instead of 3. The Church is moving to a more home study base instead of just at church. I think it will be awesome and felt strongly that this will be another tool to fortify our homes against the forces of evil. Nick and I have been arguing about whether or not I should keep going to school after Evie is born. I feel (felt?) like I should and Nick really thinks I shouldn't. I was hoping for an answer during conference but I didn't feel strongly one way or another. Yesterday the thought of withdrawing from school made me sad and anxious. I talked to mom and she told me to follow my gut. But today I prayed and felt peace about staying at home. So I'm really confused. When I look at the logisitics of it I find my self frustrated often at my internship and the way the program is run. Nick and I are paying a lot of money out of pocket, and last week there was nothing to do at my internship so I left early 3 days in a row. Not good. Today I found out through my co worker that one of the birth mom's we are working with had her baby. No one told me. I felt frustrated. And then I am supposed to be working on a 20 hour project with an intern at head start and I haven't heard anything from her so I emailed her today and found out we have a meeting at 2:30. I'm starting to doubt if I'll even get my 20 hours with this project so I emailed my professor to ask if I can find another project. I'm starting to feel better about staying home and taking care of Evie next semester. But I don't just want to do it because that's what Nick wants me to do. I want to do it because that's what I ALSO feel is best for our family. I don't want to feel like my husband said no so I am not doing it. I don't want to feel oppressed. But I just don't know and I feel frustrated with the whole situation.

Week 19!

Today I am 19 weeks pregnant! Even though technically I am not halfway until next week (20 weeks) I am counting on this baby coming early because I am sure the doctor will want to be cautious because of my bone condition. So I could already be halfway!! So excited!

Around 17 weeks I started to feel this sweet girl move! It felt like little gas bubbles but as the days went by it was always in the same spot (lower abdomen) and always around the same time (when I laid down to sleep at night). Last week she was super wiggly! I was at my internship on Tuesday and kept giggling because she wouldn't stop moving! On Friday after school I was laying on the bed and she was giving me some pretty good kicks so I pulled up my shirt and watched it. Suddenly I saw a little jab! I saw it with my own eyes! It was so crazy! This week she is the size of a large mango and weighs about half a pound. Today after church I was laying on the bed and she was moving a lot so I put Nick's hand on my tummy and he felt her! He said "Oh hi baby!" It was so sweet! And it 's only going to get better as she gets bigger. My back has begun to get sore sometimes and my lower abs get sore as well.

Last night Nick and I went to sundance for the full moon life ride. We went last year too and decided to make it a yearly tradition! Next year Evie will be with us! (Baby's name is Evelyn:))

Here is a pic from last week at 18 weeks!

WE'RE HAVING A GIRL!!

We found on last wednesday that we are having a baby GIRL! I was so convinced it was a boy! We are so ecstatic. After my internship I went to the ultrasound place and Will and McCall met me there. They took us back the room and the ultrasound tech started the ultrasound. She showed us the baby's profile, hands, feet, and little heart beating. It was so sweet! The baby was yawning and had the hiccups :D. Finally she told me to cover my eyes. The baby's legs were close together so she had to poke me a little bit. Luckily the baby cooperated :) I couldn't wait to find out what we were having!

We had the reveal at Steven and Debi's house. Mccall set it up so cute! Brett and Kadison, missy, will, mccall, bobbie, Debbie, and Ben were all there. It was awesome!

Pregnancy-week 16!

Baby is the size of an avocado this week! my belly is definitely getting bigger, although people keep telling me I'm not showing yet (I always wear loose shirts). I don't think I have felt baby move yet, but I'm hoping I will in the next several weeks! We find out TOMORROW if it's a boy or girl! I can't wait!

Missy and Kiri moved in this past week. It's nice feeling like the space in our house is being used. I hope they enjoy staying here. Yesterday was Labor Day, and we celebrated by 1) Missy and I went to Steven and Debi's and helped make applesauce and ate their yummy food made by their garden, 2) Katie came down so she and I took cooper up the canyon on a walk while missy floated the provo river with her friends. Then we went to Aunt Lisa's to pick raspberries! Nick met us there since he had to work. it was so fun! We came back and made hamburgers. When I was at Steven and Debi's miriam picked up 10 lbs of peaches for me from a farmers market! I probably shouldn't have asked for 10 lbs haha. I have a lot of baking to do now!

This morning before Nick left he asked me to come into our room and he told me that when he was brushing his teeth he was looking at our wedding pictures and he thought "the babe is so much more beautiful now than when we got married". And said something cute about how being loved makes a person more beautiful. It was so sweet. I love that man and I can't wait to watch him become a dad! (Is it wierd that that is the one thing I am super excited about?! He's going to be such a great dad!

Pregnancy-week 15!

I think I'm finally starting to get a little baby bump! I'm still at that stage where the bump is caused from bloating or it's an actual baby bump, it's hard to tell. Not much has changed. It's hard to believe that next monday marks 12 weeks since we found out we were expecting! In the next 12 weeks things are going to change so much. Baby will keep growing, and I will start to feel him move! We find out the gender next wednesday. I had my 15 week appt yesterday and wasn't expecting an ultrasound. They said they would do a complimentary one so I was all for that! Nick wasn't there cuz I told him he didn't need to come. It was so cool to see how much baby was moving and how much he has grown in just 3 weeks! I saw his little hand. It's the sweetest thing ever! The doctor tried to check it's gender but Hen was keeping his legs closed. The doctor poked me a few times to try to get him to move but I guess that just made Hen cross his legs tighter hahaha. It's just as well. Nick and I would not have been able to wait for a week to open that envelope.

I'm still sick, the medicine definitely helps though! I started my internship last week with adoption life, and I love it so far! Caitlin (the other intern) and I have been helping them complete their files cuz today they had a review. They were all so stressed cuz a lot of the files had things missing. Hopefully next week we will be able to get to do real work! I love all the ladies I work with, they are so great and love what they do! I loved my first day of classes last week. It was so fun to get to know everyone in my cohort and all the teachers seem really great.

My nausea medication ran out on tuesday and I found out it would be $100 to refill. I didn't want to do it so last night I didn't take it, just unisom and vitamin b6, since supposedly those are the main ingredients in my medication anyway. I felt so sick today! I got to my internship and helped a little and then all of a sudden I felt like I was going to faint! I had to sit down and they told me just to go downstairs and lay down. I felt so bad. Nick came to get me cuz I didn't know if I could drive myself. We refilled my prescription so it doesn't happen again. I just wonder when this sickness will go away??? Maybe it's going to last my whole pregnancy :( :( . Oh well I am sure it will be worth it. Nausea= a healthy pregnancy anyway, that's what I am told. Yesterday the ladies at work did the "necklace" gender trick on me and it said I'm having a boy! Then I looked up the chinese calendar prediction test and it was also a boy! This baby is totally little Henry :) We can't wait to find out for sure!

Pregnancy week 13

Week 13. Baby is the size of a PEACH! He's getting so big! We are visiting my family in Texas this week and it has been fun. We went to the pool with Bobbie, will, and mccall on Thursday and I got fried. Friday we went shopping and I got some loose clothes for maternity. Vickie and Blake came to see us yesterday and we all went to dinner. They are the best. I feel like I am finally starting to show a little bit. We find out the gender in just a few weeks!

this past week

This past week Blake and Vickie stayed with us because Brett and Kad got married this past Saturday! Blake and Vickie are the most loving and caring in laws EVER. They said they are going to pay for baby's crib and are giving me $$ for maternity clothes! They are so sweet! Uncle Kurt, Lisa, and Brooke came too. I was so happy to meet them. Vickie's family came as well and everyone is so nice. They are the best people. It was Kurt's first time to Utah (he is 62) and he kept saying how much he loved it. We could tell he was feeling the spirit. Nick got a BOM and wrote his testimony in it and sent it today.

Saturday was a special day. We could all feel Nancy at the wedding. As I was walking up the stairs with Nick to go to the sealing room I felt her strongly. We got the sealing room and Blake was already there. He told Nick he felt her strongly and I agreed. I sat in the chair where she would have sat had she been alive. The sealing was beautiful. Kad's grandpa sealed them. After the ceremony nick and I were the first ones out and Nick said it hit him how much his mom had guided he and Brett throughout their lives. They both married into families where grandpa was able to seal them. It truly is a miracle that Blake found the church (he comes from a long line of alcoholics who died in their 50's or earlier) and that both boys served missions and got married in the temple. Nick also commented that he felt his grandpa Ben during the sealing as well. His grandpa Ben left when his dad was young and never came back. Nick was able to do his temple work a few years ago and told me that during the sealing he could feel that Ben was very happy.

The reception was beautiful! Aislynn (Kad's mom) had a close friend pass away on Thursday so another friend of hers came to talk to nick and I after Nick gave a speech and talked about his mom guiding he and Brett. She thanked Nick for talking about her and then talked about her friend. She said that there were 4 empty chairs on the same side that Nick was sitting on and that she was sure their friend and Nancy were taking them. I feel like my view of eternity was broadened and my testimony of Jesus Christ was strengthened.

I'm 12 weeks pregnant this week! I still feel the same, lactose makes me feel gross (so much bloating). I can't believe it's been 2 months since I found out I was pregnant. We have our 12 week appt tomorrow and we are so excited to see how the baby has grown. Hopefully we'll get the blood test done for OI tomorrow and find out the gender within the next couple of weeks! Can't believe that baby thompson will be here in 6 months!

Nick and I both got hit with really bad colds this past monday, the day that Blake and Vickie arrived. We were feeling so bad on Tuesday that we had to miss going with Kad through the temple. I was so sad! Being prego means I can't take medicine, so I still have some congestion and my chest is so wheezy! The only thing worse than having a bad cold is having a bad cold while pregnant and not being able to take medicine :(

Pregnancy Week 11

I can't believe I am 11 weeks pregnant! I met with the high risk doctor at 9 weeks and got a cool ultrasound! I saw baby moving around and everything. I am waiting to meet with my new OB on Friday, when we'll have our 12 week ultrasound. I am going to be tested using the Vistara test to see if baby has OI. I hope not. If so I am sure the doctors will want to do a C section. I DO NOT want to have a c section! All the research I have read says that the risk is the same for both normal delivery and c section. Ugh. I just feel frustrated and wish I actually knew if I had it. But that will cost us thousands of dollars so we are just going to have baby tested since it's only $250.

We went to Will and McCall's BYUI graduation last week, it was great to be with the whole fam! As we sat at the graduation I got a little teary. I reminisced to my BYUI days and what a happy time that was for me. All I have are fond memories. I love Idaho. Since Will and McCall graduated and sam is leaving on his mission I won't be in Idaho for a long time! On Monday night we drove out to aunt Natalie's to spend the night. THE DRIVE WAS BEAUTIFUL. My soul felt free and I felt so happy. I love ID in the summer. So many green fields and the air is so fresh.

Nick and I babysat Bobbie on Saturday and I'm pretty sure she gave us the worst cold!! Nick and I are so sick. I'm so annoyed. Kadison is going through the temple tonight and we weren't able to go because of these stupid colds. Now that I am on week 11 of pregnancy some days are bad and some are good as far as nausea goes. After we got back from ID I was sick for a few days. I have been better this week and today I haven't felt nauseous at all. I always get my hopes up this means the nausea is subsiding but then it always comes back a different day.

On Saturday morning Suzanne and I went paddle boarding. It was amazing! I told Nick I want a paddle board for Christmas.

Pregnancy:Week 9

The medication I am taking for nausea isnt working as well as it was last week...idk if that's because my nausea is getting worse or Nick is right that my body is getting used to it. It makes me have wierd dreams! Nick told me (and I vaguely remember) rolling over really quickly last night and whining like I was scared. He asked me if I was ok and I said "Yeah a little boy is trying to throw bread at me". WHAT?! Honestly so wierd.

I feel more tired this week too. In the mornings it's hard to get out of bed because I've been having restless sleep lately and the medicine I take makes me really tired. This morning our alarms went off at 7 and Nick got up all chipper and I couldn't even open my eyes. We are going to ID this weekend to help Will and McCall pack since they graduate next monday and move to TX next week!

                                                               Henry at 9 weeks!

Pregnancy: Week 8

Today I am about 8.5 weeks pregnant! We had our second appt yesterday and heard baby's heartbeat. It was so cool! Luckily it was a normal ultrasound this time, so I felt like a real mom with the gel on her tummy :) Last week I was in Texas visiting my family and for the most part I felt pretty good. Until Saturday. I stayed an extra day in TX because when I got to the airport on Friday night I discovered that the Denver to SLC leg of my flight had been cancelled! But it turned out great. Saturday I woke up and I was SO SICK all day. I could not keep anything down. It didn't help that I was traveling almost all day and traveling makes me sick. It was miserable. I was happy to be home though. This week I haven't thrown up once. I've been taking Vitamin b6 and unisom, and then yesterday I got a sample of some nausea medication from the doctor and I've only felt a little sick today. And tired. I haven't been too crazy tired through the last two months, but today I feel exhausted. I was just so happy to see little baby Thompson yesterday and hear the heartbeat. My anxiety was getting the better of me before the appt and I was sure the baby wouldn't have a heartbeat. Anxiety is so silly. The baby now looks like a little gummy bear, where 2 weeks ago he looked like a little white smudge! They grow so fast! I was told I can get a blood test done to check if I have OI but the guy in charge of the genetic tests called me back today and said that the test he is sending me doesn't test for OI. So we can only have the baby tested. Which is fine. If I have it, I have it. It will be good to know if baby has it too. I hope not, but there is a 50/50 chance! (at least from everything I have read). I was told we can have the test done for the baby as soon as I get the test in the mail, so hopefully I can go in and have it done tomorrow!

                                                                Henry at 8 weeks!

We are expecting!

our little blob at 6 weeks!

Nick and I have been trying to get pregnant since we got married. I started off on birth control but a few days after we got married we were at the temple and both felt the impression we needed to start trying. Month after month passed and with each negative pregnancy test all I could think was how much closer we were coming to a year of trying. Which is when they start to suspect something could be wrong. I was coming to accept the fact that maybe this baby thing wouldn't work out as soon as we'd hoped. My anxiety told me to accept the fact it would probably take 5 years. By then Nick would be old and then we would be old parents and grandparents. Practically ancient. I was getting frustrated. Maybe it's Nicks fault. Maybe he can't get me pregnant. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I have PCOS or endometriosis and don't even know! They'll probably never find out what's wrong with us and we'll never have kids. We'll be one of THOSE cases.

Wow. Anxiety is dumb. All those silly worries when all it takes sometimes is a little patience, prayer, and faith. Part of me feels guilty writing that because for some people it's not as simple as that. Some women do indeed have endometriosis and end up having to do in vitro. Some women yearn for a baby and that dream is never realized. As we went month after month with negative pregnancy tests I gained empathy for those women who want a baby but don't have one of their own. Mothers day came and for me, Aunt Flo decided to show the same day. Nick and I left church early. We were both so disappointed. My brother and sister in law and their sweet baby were visiting that weekend and were still at the house when we got home. I was glad they didn't ask why we came home early. Maybe I just said something about not feeling well. Mothers day was painful for me, mostly because my sister in law was visiting and she knew we were trying to get pregnant. I told myself that she felt sorry for me. What an awkward day for her to be visiting me. Why do I have to be the girl that is childless on mothers day. I didn't want to be that girl that tells myself "well, all women are mothers." Sure. I'm a mother to my niece. To my dog. To my husband sometimes. But let's be real. I wanted to be a MOTHER. The kind that bears a child from her womb and sees the color of her eyes in his and her curls on his head.

Anyway, a few weeks past and I went to girls camp as the assistant camp director. While there I had a really good conversation with one of the young women leaders who has 3 kids ages 9,6, and 1. She got there the day after camp started. We ended up in the cabin together talking and I felt prompted to ask her why there was such a big gap between her 6 and 1 year old. But I didn't because I felt it was too personal. We started talking about her kids and then she asked me if Nick and I were ready to have some of our own. I told her we had been trying since we got married. She asked if I'd ever had any miscarriages, to which I replied no, just haven't been able to get pregnant. She then told me that she had two miscarriages between her 6 and 1 year old. While I couldn't relate to her miscarriages I could relate to her wanting a child but having to wait. It was a sweet moment. Right after that we went to a fireside. A girl name Amberly Snyder spoke. She is a rodeo queen and is paralyzed from the waist down. She shared her story with us. When she was 18 she was on top of the world. She was voted president of one of the rodeo clubs she was in. She was one of the best. One day she was driving her truck and stopped to get gas. She didn't put her seat belt back on after because she was 10 minutes from her destination. As she was driving the last 10 minutes to her destination she looked down at her GPS. She looked up and was headed straight for a fence pole. She over corrected and rolled her truck. Because she wasn't wearing her seat belt she was ejected and thrown into a fence pole. Sine she was going 75 mph her body wrapped around the fence pole and drug it pretty far. When she finally stopped she was conscious. She looked over at her truck. She decided to do a body check. Her hands and arms were working. Her head was fine. But she couldn't feel or move her legs. Being thrown from the truck and hitting the fence post had broken her back. She was paralyzed from the waist down.

Her purpose in telling us this was to emphasize that God is with us in our trials. At the end of her story she stopped and said she felt prompted to get something out of the back of her car. She explained that usually this thing isn't in the back but it just so happened to be because she was moving. Her friend brought her a statue of Christ holding a girl. She said it had to do with the poem "footprints", which talks about the man who in his hardest times saw only one set of footprints. He asked God why and God told him that during those moments he was carrying him. Amberly explained that her mom gave her this statue after her accident. She testified to all of us that God knows us intimately and is with us through our trials. I started to cry. I felt that God was speaking to me. I knew that Amberly felt prompted to share that story because I needed to hear it.

The weekend after camp Nick and I went to our cousin Benny's sealing. Sitting in the celestial room with Nick was really sacred. I felt a lot of hope about our future family. I knew we would be parents some day. I felt a lot of love for Nick. I felt that our family was there. It was very comforting.

2 days later on June 11, my period was due. I woke up in the morning and it hadn't come yet. I decided to test because what the heck, I may as well, even though it will probably be negative again. I used one of the digital test that says 'pregnant' or 'not pregnant'. As I waited for the little hourglass to disappear I left the room. I came back and it said 'PREGNANT'. I was in shock. I looked at it again just to make sure I hadn't missed the 'not' at the beginning. Nope. For sure it said pregnant. No way I thought. This test is probably broken. But what are the chances of that?! Nick was in the front room playing with our dog Cooper so I nervously called him in and said I had to show him something. I showed him and he was so happy. I just kept saying "What if it's wrong?" Nick wouldn't believe that it was wrong. I called my mom. I told her I wasn't sure and told her I would test again the next morning since I couldn't pee anymore. I got off the phone and decided I was going to make my body pee again because I didn't want to wait till the next day to get another positive test. I did it with one fo the dollar store tests this time that has one line for not pregnant and two lines for pregnant. What do you know?! 2 LINES! This time I believed it and rejoiced. Nick was just like "Of course it's positive". I texted my mom. She promised not to tell anyone until Nick and I felt comfortable telling everyone. The following sunday was father's day so I decided that during our family skype we would tell everyone. I couldn't wait though so the same night we called Will and McCall. They were ecstatic! Bobbie is going to have a cousin! I told Missy the next day. The only ones that didn't know were Katie, dad, allison, and sam.

For father's day I wrote Nick a father's day card from our baby. I read it over our family skype and katie started crying. Everyone else was so happy. We told Nick's dad earlier that day in a phone call and he started crying. He was so happy and said it was such a wonderful father's day gift.

Yesterday I was watching an LDS produced movie about a teenage girl who gets a degenerative disease and evenutally dies. At the beginning of the movie it talks about her grandma who died when this girls mom was 15. They talked about how this girl was very sensitive and had an experience where she saw her grandma once. All of a sudden I thought about Nick's mom, Nancy, and felt that she has so much love for this little babe in my stomach. I also felt that this baby is a valiant spirit and felt the Lord tell me that He needs the baby here at this time. It calmed my nerves for a bit.

Today we had our first ultrasound! We are about 6.5 weeks along. I have been feeling quite a bit of nausea and TONS of heartburn. It's the worst. Food aversions have come on strong and certain smells make me want to puke. I can't even stand the smell of Nick anymore. So sad :( I can't be around Cooper either because his dog smell is wayyyy too much for me. I'm craving cereal and milk all the time. On monday night I was craving sweet and sour pork so after we went to the zoo on monday we got chinese. But as soon as I started eating it I wanted to throw up. Thank you pregnancy. I can literally only eat toast, apples, and cereal and milk. I also ate a subway sandwich today which was a win. I usually throw up whatever I eat in the mornings but can keep down what I eat later.

Anyway, at our first ultrasound I was soooo nervous. What if there was no baby? No heartbeat? Ectopic pregnancy? I have already told so many people and I don't want to untell them! Well lo and behold. The doctor got the probe in there and his first words were "well you're definitely pregnant". Then we saw the little heart pattering away! That was sooooo cool!!! The doc said it was a good strong heartbeat. I felt so much relief and joy. The baby looked like a little white blob on the ultrasound. So cute! I have been on cloud 9 the rest of the day. We get to go back in 2 weeks for another ultrasound. Can't wait! By then it should look more baby like.

Sharing my story: What I learned

As scary as it was to share my deepest, darkest secrets with the world I learned some pretty beautiful things.

First of all, I learned pornography addiction (or compulsion) is not an uncommon thing. Many people have reached out to me expressing their ability to relate to me as they have gone through similar things. As I heard each person's stories, one phrase has continued running through my mind: BE KIND. To those of you reading this post, please be sensitive to how you address the issue of pornography addiction. I have heard various stories of young men in a public setting who, being perfectly worthy, capable, human beings with the potential to be great husbands and fathers, start to question themselves as they hear the girl next to them express disgust and state they would never date someone who has had a past pornography problem. What she doesn't know is that most likely there isn't a person in this world who hasn't been exposed to or had a problem at some point or another with pornography. (Notice I say "exposed" because I realize not EVERYONE in the world has had issues with pornography addiction. but we've all been exposed.) We've all been tainted because we live in a pornographic world. Please educate yourselves on the nature of pornography addiction and be educated enough to make an informed decision when it comes to those you will and won't date. Those of us who suffer with addiction are already hurting enough without having someone else judge us as not worthy of being wonderful boyfriends, girlfriends, and spouses.

Second, I learned people WANT to talk about this stuff! My sister Malissa is part of Reach 10, a non-profit started by young adults who want to end the taboo culture of talking about pornography addiction. Their goal is to encourage people to reach out! As she shared my story in her last meeting her friend Rachel asked if she could get my information. Rachel contacted me and asked me to be in a documentary she is filming about the LDS culture and pornography addiction. (Stay tuned-it will be posted to social media once it's done!) I was more than happy to go and share my story. Can talking about these things sometimes be awkward? Absolutely! But is it necessary? YES! I'm so glad I found the courage to reach out and share my story so that hopefully others will have the courage to share theirs too.

To those reading this blog post, I encourage you to find ways of sharing your stories. We ALL got issues. The important thing is to lift others by sharing them. (Even though it can be awkward, embarrassing, and scary.) It's worth it. And people will be more loving and supporting than you think :)

Pornography Addiction: A Woman's Story

Let's be real. Pornography use is really hard to talk about, especially when you're the one sharing your story. And more especially if you are a girl. As more and more women are sharing their stories about their struggles with pornography, I feel it's time to share mine. This post has been a long time coming, and I haven't wanted to share my story for fear of what people might think and how their perceptions of me might change. But I feel it's an important step that needs to be taken in order to help others realize they are not alone. The truth is, pornography addiction affects both men AND women.

My story doesn't start with an actual pornography issue. When I was 12 years old I discovered masturbation. (Yes, that word makes me cringe too). At the time, I didn't realize that it was a behavior that went against the teachings of my church. As I came to learn that this was a bad habit I shouldn't be engaging in, I began to feel a lot of guilt and shame. I felt like an awful person. But like anyone who struggles with compulsive behaviors, I couldn't stop. As I grew up I  thought there was something wrong with me. Why did I struggle with this awful habit? The shame I felt affected my self-esteem.

As I grew older I tried to get up the courage to talk to my mom. I was 15 when I finally decided to tell her. I don't think I expected her to be so loving and understanding. As I found the courage to talk to my mom, a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders. She still loved me! (Of course.) She encouraged me to talk to an ecclesiastical leader, which I did, but I was terrified. I will admit, the conversation I had with my ecclesiastical leader was awkward. At this point in time, I don't think many people knew how to help youth with this issue.

After I talked to my ecclesiastical leader about my problem, I felt relieved. I thought I was healed. Unfortunately, the behavior didn't stop. When I was in college I discovered magazines like Cosmopolitan. I would justify reading these articles because it wasn't "real" pornography. I wasn't looking at images. They were just stories. Afters years of struggling, I served an LDS mission when I was 21. For the first time in almost 10 years I didn't struggle with these behaviors. After 18 months, I again believed I was healed. But as soon as I returned to college,  the stress and anxiety I had experienced before my mission returned, and I found myself in the same cycle I had been in as a teenager. The compulsive behaviors progressed, and I found myself looking at pornographic images and videos in order to escape from the stresses of life.

The shame continued, and I began counseling with religious leaders again. It always seemed to carry on in the same cycle. Behavior, shame, visits with religious leaders where we read scriptures, prayed, they told me I'd be fine, (I even had one leader express to me that the behavior would stop once I was married, proof that many leaders at that time didn't understand the nature of compulsive behavior and addiction) and then after a while the behavior presented itself again and I wondered why this continued. Was I not righteous enough? I must not have been praying fervently enough or studying my scriptures the right way. As I began to learn about the cycle of addiction and that my behavior stemmed from my need to cover up negative emotions I was experiencing, I also learned about my triggers and then began to learn other coping mechanisms.

I learned that my triggers aren't sexual in nature at all. Like many other people, they stem from feeling lonely, stress, anxiety, etc. That helped me become more aware of times when I would be vulnerable. Disclosing my problem to the rest of my family has really helped me as well. My family has been super awesome in loving and supporting me through my addiction. I have been really blessed in this aspect. I wish everyone had a support system as awesome and understanding as my family has been. I've learned positive ways to deal with my stress through exercise, meditation, playing music (I play both the piano and violin.) I've  also learned to share negative emotions with a trusted friend or family member as the emotions manifest themselves, instead of ignoring them until they overwhelm me. As I have accepted my addiction for what it is and learned to separate my self-worth from my addiction, I have learned to appreciate who I am and have gained a greater love and understanding for myself. I no longer define myself by my addiction.

About 2 months ago, I found the courage to disclose to my roommates what I was struggling with. They were so loving and supportive. I was able to talk to my then boyfriend about my problem. He was also very kind, understanding, and supportive. Thanks to these people, I have found the courage to share my story with everyone else. My advice to anyone who is struggling with this problem is to REACH OUT. Tell someone about it. Addiction thrives in secrecy. If you have told someone and you are still struggling, keep going! Keep reaching out. Educate yourself on the cycle and nature of addiction.  (Check out salifeline.org for a good resource!) There is hope. We are so lucky in this day and age to have so many resources available to us. I am currently in the process of seeking a good therapist (suggestions welcome) and attending the 12 step program offered through the LDS church. (Click this link to find a 12-step program near you!)

While addiction is ugly, there are also many beautiful things that have come out of my struggle. I have come to separate my behavior from my self-worth. It was SO HARD feeling so much shame all the time as a teenager. That separated me from feeling the love my Heavenly Father has for me. As I counseled with my church leaders and received priesthood blessings, I came to understand and KNOW that God loves ME. I have often pondered on the blessings priesthood leaders have given me and am amazed at how merciful our Father in Heaven is. Often times I think, "Hold on. God feels THAT way about ME?! Right NOW? Despite my poor decisions?" I now understand that He loved me before this life, and He will ALWAYS love me, despite my weaknesses and imperfections. God sees weaknesses differently than He sees sin. He knows my heart. He sees my desire to change. I am His daughter and I am a human. We all make mistakes, and as long as we seek help in learning from our mistakes and overcoming them, then we will triumph. God is very merciful and loves us so much. The Atonement is real and allows us to change unwanted behaviors.

As we find the courage to share our individual stories, we will be in a better position to reach out and help others because of the experiences we have had. What a beautiful thing it is to be vulnerable and share our trials with others so we may support one another. I invite you to continue with me in my journey as I continue to heal. I will make monthly updates on my blog for anyone who wishes to follow along!

Finding the beauty in situations that seem unfair

I just had the amazing experience of being able to spend five weeks of my summer with the children in Cuenca, Ecuador! It was incredible. I learned so much about love, patience, friendship, loyalty, and trust. Each one of the children I met was going through their own challenges but still had the capacity to love so deeply, especially the children in the special needs orphanage run by OSSO. I hadn't had much experience working with special needs kids before my trip to ecuador and to be quite honest, the first week was pretty hard. I was getting used to speaking spanish all the time, doing seemingly (or what I thought were) monotonous tasks. Little did I know how much I would cherish what I thought were the monotonous tasks and that they would turn into some of my most cherished memories.

During the first couple weeks as I was learning each of the children's stories, it was so easy to think about how unfair life has been for these children. They don't have loving parents. They don't have perfect minds or bodies. Many of them will never know what life outside of an orphanage is like. As time went on however, I learned to appreciate their different circumstances. I realized how much I had to learn from them. Although life seemed so unfair, there was no denying the beauty of the experiences I was having with these children. Without the opposition they were facing in their lives, I would never have had the chance to learn from them. I firmly believe there is beauty in opposition, and I saw it every single day with these kids.

One experience in particular that I treasure was with a little boy named Anthony. Anthony is three years old and has cerebral palsy along with some other disabilities. Although he is three years old, he looks like he could be about 9 months old. His body is so tiny and fragile. Part of that is due to the fact that for most of his life Anthony has not been able to get the nutrients he needs due to not being able to keep his food down. The doctors told OSSO that if Anthony did not receive a feeding tube, he would die. Anthony went in for surgery to receive his feeding tube, and since there were only three of us volunteers that spoke spanish fluently, we were asked to take overnight shifts at the hospital since Anthony always had to have a member of the OSSO staff with him.

I remember when I was asked to spend the night at the hospital with Anthony. I hadn't even met this little boy yet. My first reaction was thinking about what a long night it would be, and that I was a little nervous about spending a whole night by myself with a baby in a foreign hospital. But I agreed to take the shift (with the promise that I would get the next day morning shift off so I could sleep, yay!) As I arrived at the hospital with Suzanne and Kirsten and entered Anthony's room, I was surprised at how fragile he looked! He really was so tiny. Kirsten and Suzanne gave me instructions and then left. As I was left by myself with Anthony I felt the special spirit of this little boy. I stood by his bedside as he slept and stroked his face and cried as I thought how much this sweet little boy deserved a mother. I thought back on all my medical experiences and how my mom was by my side through all of them, and what a comfort that was to me. Anthony didn't have that. Tears ran down my cheeks as I thought how unfair this was. Where was this little boys mother I wondered? Did she realize what a special little boy she had given birth to?

Because Anthony's body was getting used to being fed through a feeding tube, he would start to cough and would throw up saliva. I spent the whole night by Anthony's side, holding him up as he would begin to cough and then cleaning up his saliva from his hair and his face. As the night went on I began to see the beauty in this experience. True, it would be more fair if this little boy had his mother by his side, but then I would have never gotten to have this experience. I was so glad I was able to be Anthony's "mom" for the night. My time in the hospital with Anthony created a special place in my heart for this sweet boy. I found myself sneaking in to his room during the weeks following just to hold his hand and talk to him. These experiences brought me so much joy. I love this little boy so much and all of the children I was able to work with at OSSO. Below are some other beautiful experiences I was able to have with the kids:

-Blowing bubbles with Laura, the 20 year old girl with cerebral palsy and microcephaly. When I would accidentally touch the bubble wand to her nose she would start to giggle (cutest giggle EVER) and then I would start to laugh, which led to both of us giggling uncontrollably

-Working with Roman, the 26 year old boy with cerebral palsy. Roman always has a serious expression on his face but when you are doing an activity and he finally decides to smile it's a good day :)

-Reading scriptures with Martin and Christian every night, and feeling the spirit so strong I thought my heart would burst.

-The last night I was in Cuenca and we went to read scriptures with Martin and Christian, and when we talked in Christian crawled over to me and grabbed my legs in a bear hug. :)
-Juanita, the teen at HML, another orphanage in the city, who would scout me out each time we visited just so I would sing "London Bridges" and "I love you, you love me" to her in english.
-Reading stories at night with 5 year old Jhon and the other kids in Casa Algeria.
-Reading the Froggy books with 8 year old Christian who has Autism and when we turned the page to see a picture of an open window, his eyes go really big as he exclaimed, "Ay! La ventana esta abierta!" (oh! The window is open!) to which I replied yes...and he finished by saying "Tengo miedo!" (I'm scared!) and all I could do was laugh because it was so cute and made no sense why he was scared of an open window.


There are so many more beautiful experiences I had with each of the children I was able to work with. I'm so grateful I was able to find the beauty in these situations that at times seemed sad and unfair. I know that God is good and He loves us, whether we were born here in the USA with a loving family, or in Ecuador with an imperfect body living our days in an orphanage. He is aware of His children. One day all of these imperfect, unjust situations will be made right because our older brother decided to die for us. For that I am grateful.