our little blob at 6 weeks!
Wow. Anxiety is dumb. All those silly worries when all it takes sometimes is a little patience, prayer, and faith. Part of me feels guilty writing that because for some people it's not as simple as that. Some women do indeed have endometriosis and end up having to do in vitro. Some women yearn for a baby and that dream is never realized. As we went month after month with negative pregnancy tests I gained empathy for those women who want a baby but don't have one of their own. Mothers day came and for me, Aunt Flo decided to show the same day. Nick and I left church early. We were both so disappointed. My brother and sister in law and their sweet baby were visiting that weekend and were still at the house when we got home. I was glad they didn't ask why we came home early. Maybe I just said something about not feeling well. Mothers day was painful for me, mostly because my sister in law was visiting and she knew we were trying to get pregnant. I told myself that she felt sorry for me. What an awkward day for her to be visiting me. Why do I have to be the girl that is childless on mothers day. I didn't want to be that girl that tells myself "well, all women are mothers." Sure. I'm a mother to my niece. To my dog. To my husband sometimes. But let's be real. I wanted to be a MOTHER. The kind that bears a child from her womb and sees the color of her eyes in his and her curls on his head.
Anyway, a few weeks past and I went to girls camp as the assistant camp director. While there I had a really good conversation with one of the young women leaders who has 3 kids ages 9,6, and 1. She got there the day after camp started. We ended up in the cabin together talking and I felt prompted to ask her why there was such a big gap between her 6 and 1 year old. But I didn't because I felt it was too personal. We started talking about her kids and then she asked me if Nick and I were ready to have some of our own. I told her we had been trying since we got married. She asked if I'd ever had any miscarriages, to which I replied no, just haven't been able to get pregnant. She then told me that she had two miscarriages between her 6 and 1 year old. While I couldn't relate to her miscarriages I could relate to her wanting a child but having to wait. It was a sweet moment. Right after that we went to a fireside. A girl name Amberly Snyder spoke. She is a rodeo queen and is paralyzed from the waist down. She shared her story with us. When she was 18 she was on top of the world. She was voted president of one of the rodeo clubs she was in. She was one of the best. One day she was driving her truck and stopped to get gas. She didn't put her seat belt back on after because she was 10 minutes from her destination. As she was driving the last 10 minutes to her destination she looked down at her GPS. She looked up and was headed straight for a fence pole. She over corrected and rolled her truck. Because she wasn't wearing her seat belt she was ejected and thrown into a fence pole. Sine she was going 75 mph her body wrapped around the fence pole and drug it pretty far. When she finally stopped she was conscious. She looked over at her truck. She decided to do a body check. Her hands and arms were working. Her head was fine. But she couldn't feel or move her legs. Being thrown from the truck and hitting the fence post had broken her back. She was paralyzed from the waist down.
Her purpose in telling us this was to emphasize that God is with us in our trials. At the end of her story she stopped and said she felt prompted to get something out of the back of her car. She explained that usually this thing isn't in the back but it just so happened to be because she was moving. Her friend brought her a statue of Christ holding a girl. She said it had to do with the poem "footprints", which talks about the man who in his hardest times saw only one set of footprints. He asked God why and God told him that during those moments he was carrying him. Amberly explained that her mom gave her this statue after her accident. She testified to all of us that God knows us intimately and is with us through our trials. I started to cry. I felt that God was speaking to me. I knew that Amberly felt prompted to share that story because I needed to hear it.
The weekend after camp Nick and I went to our cousin Benny's sealing. Sitting in the celestial room with Nick was really sacred. I felt a lot of hope about our future family. I knew we would be parents some day. I felt a lot of love for Nick. I felt that our family was there. It was very comforting.
2 days later on June 11, my period was due. I woke up in the morning and it hadn't come yet. I decided to test because what the heck, I may as well, even though it will probably be negative again. I used one of the digital test that says 'pregnant' or 'not pregnant'. As I waited for the little hourglass to disappear I left the room. I came back and it said 'PREGNANT'. I was in shock. I looked at it again just to make sure I hadn't missed the 'not' at the beginning. Nope. For sure it said pregnant. No way I thought. This test is probably broken. But what are the chances of that?! Nick was in the front room playing with our dog Cooper so I nervously called him in and said I had to show him something. I showed him and he was so happy. I just kept saying "What if it's wrong?" Nick wouldn't believe that it was wrong. I called my mom. I told her I wasn't sure and told her I would test again the next morning since I couldn't pee anymore. I got off the phone and decided I was going to make my body pee again because I didn't want to wait till the next day to get another positive test. I did it with one fo the dollar store tests this time that has one line for not pregnant and two lines for pregnant. What do you know?! 2 LINES! This time I believed it and rejoiced. Nick was just like "Of course it's positive". I texted my mom. She promised not to tell anyone until Nick and I felt comfortable telling everyone. The following sunday was father's day so I decided that during our family skype we would tell everyone. I couldn't wait though so the same night we called Will and McCall. They were ecstatic! Bobbie is going to have a cousin! I told Missy the next day. The only ones that didn't know were Katie, dad, allison, and sam.
For father's day I wrote Nick a father's day card from our baby. I read it over our family skype and katie started crying. Everyone else was so happy. We told Nick's dad earlier that day in a phone call and he started crying. He was so happy and said it was such a wonderful father's day gift.
Yesterday I was watching an LDS produced movie about a teenage girl who gets a degenerative disease and evenutally dies. At the beginning of the movie it talks about her grandma who died when this girls mom was 15. They talked about how this girl was very sensitive and had an experience where she saw her grandma once. All of a sudden I thought about Nick's mom, Nancy, and felt that she has so much love for this little babe in my stomach. I also felt that this baby is a valiant spirit and felt the Lord tell me that He needs the baby here at this time. It calmed my nerves for a bit.
Today we had our first ultrasound! We are about 6.5 weeks along. I have been feeling quite a bit of nausea and TONS of heartburn. It's the worst. Food aversions have come on strong and certain smells make me want to puke. I can't even stand the smell of Nick anymore. So sad :( I can't be around Cooper either because his dog smell is wayyyy too much for me. I'm craving cereal and milk all the time. On monday night I was craving sweet and sour pork so after we went to the zoo on monday we got chinese. But as soon as I started eating it I wanted to throw up. Thank you pregnancy. I can literally only eat toast, apples, and cereal and milk. I also ate a subway sandwich today which was a win. I usually throw up whatever I eat in the mornings but can keep down what I eat later.
Anyway, at our first ultrasound I was soooo nervous. What if there was no baby? No heartbeat? Ectopic pregnancy? I have already told so many people and I don't want to untell them! Well lo and behold. The doctor got the probe in there and his first words were "well you're definitely pregnant". Then we saw the little heart pattering away! That was sooooo cool!!! The doc said it was a good strong heartbeat. I felt so much relief and joy. The baby looked like a little white blob on the ultrasound. So cute! I have been on cloud 9 the rest of the day. We get to go back in 2 weeks for another ultrasound. Can't wait! By then it should look more baby like.
